MC 10w1d

I think I will leave out facts and use this as a way to sort out how I'm feeling.
This has helped me in the past.
Little things keep reminding me I'm not pregnant, we're not having a baby, plans have changed.

Like the carseat left out for baby.
The infant bath tub left out for baby.

I only fit maternity jeans. That's a blow in many ways.

I still feel excitement for a baby in the future, but then little things remind me - it just hasn't hit me I guess.

I thought for sure we'd make it.

No, I don't think it has hit me.

I don't get a newborn baby in April. Marilyn doesn't get a sibling so close in age.

I went through almost the entire first semester. I felt so awful. For nothing. How many times will I be miserable for nothing?

Was it for nothing?

No.

No one is for nothing. And my baby was someone. I wish I knew if it was a girl or boy. I wish I could name them.

Will I be able to have another baby?
What will this baby be like in Heaven? Surely he/she will be there? Does a ten week old fetus get a soul? Poor little thing.
I feel like I failed him/her. I hope it wasn't painful for him/her.
Lets say her.
And let's call her Daisy.

If i had to guess, it would be a girl.

This makes me appreciate Marilyn even more. And see her as even more of a miracle. Her laugh and sweet soul make my soul feel joyful. Even with this loss. Is that bad? I feel guilty for feeling any joy. For ever smiling. For laughing.

I only got on hour of sleep last night. So it's hard to know what's raw emotion vs exhausted delusions.
I wonder how I'll feel tomorrow.
But I'm worried about myself.
Am I grieving right?

I keep seeing things and think, "Don't need that anymore"
How abrupt.
Time to close down shop. No more need to prepare for baby. No baby here.

I want to get a daisy ring. And remember April 25th, due date.
Why didn't I do this with my first miscarriage years ago? Did that baby mean less? definitely not.
But I haven't thought about it in a long time - maybe, Lord forgive me - because it wasn't Steves and it reminded me of an ex.

But now I'm reminded.
And now... I have lost two babies.
I will have two babies in Heaven, that I have never met. Is this true? Lord, will I meet them?? What age will they be? How will we know each other?

I use to mourn that lost baby. Long forgotten, now. I shoved it away when I got married. That is not right. I don't remember exactly, but I was due in February.
Maybe I should get two reminders of both my Heaven babies.
My poor forgotten child.