MC 10w1d

I think I will leave out facts and use this as a way to sort out how I'm feeling.
This has helped me in the past.
Little things keep reminding me I'm not pregnant, we're not having a baby, plans have changed.

Like the carseat left out for baby.
The infant bath tub left out for baby.

I only fit maternity jeans. That's a blow in many ways.

I still feel excitement for a baby in the future, but then little things remind me - it just hasn't hit me I guess.

I thought for sure we'd make it.

No, I don't think it has hit me.

I don't get a newborn baby in April. Marilyn doesn't get a sibling so close in age.

I went through almost the entire first semester. I felt so awful. For nothing. How many times will I be miserable for nothing?

Was it for nothing?

No.

No one is for nothing. And my baby was someone. I wish I knew if it was a girl or boy. I wish I could name them.

Will I be able to have another baby?
What will this baby be like in Heaven? Surely he/she will be there? Does a ten week old fetus get a soul? Poor little thing.
I feel like I failed him/her. I hope it wasn't painful for him/her.
Lets say her.
And let's call her Daisy.

If i had to guess, it would be a girl.

This makes me appreciate Marilyn even more. And see her as even more of a miracle. Her laugh and sweet soul make my soul feel joyful. Even with this loss. Is that bad? I feel guilty for feeling any joy. For ever smiling. For laughing.

I only got on hour of sleep last night. So it's hard to know what's raw emotion vs exhausted delusions.
I wonder how I'll feel tomorrow.
But I'm worried about myself.
Am I grieving right?

I keep seeing things and think, "Don't need that anymore"
How abrupt.
Time to close down shop. No more need to prepare for baby. No baby here.

I want to get a daisy ring. And remember April 25th, due date.
Why didn't I do this with my first miscarriage years ago? Did that baby mean less? definitely not.
But I haven't thought about it in a long time - maybe, Lord forgive me - because it wasn't Steves and it reminded me of an ex.

But now I'm reminded.
And now... I have lost two babies.
I will have two babies in Heaven, that I have never met. Is this true? Lord, will I meet them?? What age will they be? How will we know each other?

I use to mourn that lost baby. Long forgotten, now. I shoved it away when I got married. That is not right. I don't remember exactly, but I was due in February.
Maybe I should get two reminders of both my Heaven babies.
My poor forgotten child.

8 weeks

Because my symptoms have been so inconsistent and on-and-off, I'm really worried something's wrong and I'll lose this pregnancy. I don't have an appointment for another two weeks, eek! I've probably been hearing too many stories of missed miscarriages.

I never lost my lower belly pooch and extra ten pounds I gained last pregnancy, so it's hard to compare my "bump" with last times. I look now how I did probably around... 15 weeks last time. My stomach isn't hard, so I know it's not uterus/baby! Anyway, hopefully this little guy is growing well. My ring was already tight (wasn't before M) and now it's off completely - already.

Joy and Mom have been making me frozen meals - so sweet. And sad that I need them. If all goes well and at all like last time, I'll feel better in just four weeks. :)

I'm pretty much openly telling all my friends. I only have a handful, and I think of them all as close friends, plus I just can't keep a secret anymore!

Similar to with Marilyn again, workouts must be limited or I feel like DEATH later in the evening and the entire next day. Which I may anyway, but it definitely makes it soooo much worse! So TIU is good. Often I feel great after I get through the first ten minutes and it's hard to slow down or stop. Other times I feel so sick the entire time and I definitely move a lot slower.

Milk supply has DROPPED. :( But Marilyn so far seems to be getting enough... I'll talk to her doctor about it next week at her 9 month appointment. I have still been feeling engorged and sometimes leak in the mornings, so I wonder if it just feels different to me but she's actually still getting the same? So hard when it can't be measured. My nipples are so sensitive and I darn near cry now almost every time she nurses. I take it one session at a time - it helps she hasn't taken long to eat for a few months now (with exceptions of first and last feedings of the day.)

Pretty convinced little fetus is a BOY. Just because no-one in my family has had two girls in a row last couple generations at least - that I know of.. unless Grandma's sister was right before her, will have to ask.

My sweet tooth is pretty much gone and I want things like: sandwiches, salads, sirloin steak, spaghetti, chili, OJ, breakfast burritos or biscuit sandwiches. Snacking on saltines - I try to pair with light string cheese or laughing cow for extra protein and help it go further. I feel better when I add it, that's for sure. At least for a little bit. I feel best while eating, making it hard to not over-eat. Only a handful of times have I felt absolutely ravenous and eating enough for two grown men. 

I'M BACK B*TCHES

I don't know who's more surprised.
Me or other people. Haha.

Marilyn isn't nine months old yet. Eek! I'm approximately 6-ish weeks pregnant, still nursing for a majority of the princesses calorie intake.
Nursing does not feel as comfortable as it use to, but not a major difference.

Main symptoms: mild cramping, white discharge (both familiar), and HEADACHES. Awful headaches. The last couple weeks I also noticed I have major loss of appetite. I eat, but I don't like it or want anything in particular. It's very odd. No specific strong aversions or cravings, which I find so weird that I am actually worried. I couldn't get in to see the midwife I saw last pregnancy until the end of next month, putting me at 10 weeks along. She's at a different hospital, which is good because Steve said he's not back to OU (please. tell me more about your preferences, one who is not pushing a person out of your vagina.) However, I know nothing about the hospital she's at now - except they obviously allow midwifery. Sigh. Hopefully this round is better. :) I'll be interested to see what she thinks about our concerns about how the last delivery was (that she didn't make it to.)

I'm kind of convinced I'll miscarry. So I'll wait and see what happens...

To Be Continued......