MC 10w1d

I think I will leave out facts and use this as a way to sort out how I'm feeling.
This has helped me in the past.
Little things keep reminding me I'm not pregnant, we're not having a baby, plans have changed.

Like the carseat left out for baby.
The infant bath tub left out for baby.

I only fit maternity jeans. That's a blow in many ways.

I still feel excitement for a baby in the future, but then little things remind me - it just hasn't hit me I guess.

I thought for sure we'd make it.

No, I don't think it has hit me.

I don't get a newborn baby in April. Marilyn doesn't get a sibling so close in age.

I went through almost the entire first semester. I felt so awful. For nothing. How many times will I be miserable for nothing?

Was it for nothing?

No.

No one is for nothing. And my baby was someone. I wish I knew if it was a girl or boy. I wish I could name them.

Will I be able to have another baby?
What will this baby be like in Heaven? Surely he/she will be there? Does a ten week old fetus get a soul? Poor little thing.
I feel like I failed him/her. I hope it wasn't painful for him/her.
Lets say her.
And let's call her Daisy.

If i had to guess, it would be a girl.

This makes me appreciate Marilyn even more. And see her as even more of a miracle. Her laugh and sweet soul make my soul feel joyful. Even with this loss. Is that bad? I feel guilty for feeling any joy. For ever smiling. For laughing.

I only got on hour of sleep last night. So it's hard to know what's raw emotion vs exhausted delusions.
I wonder how I'll feel tomorrow.
But I'm worried about myself.
Am I grieving right?

I keep seeing things and think, "Don't need that anymore"
How abrupt.
Time to close down shop. No more need to prepare for baby. No baby here.

I want to get a daisy ring. And remember April 25th, due date.
Why didn't I do this with my first miscarriage years ago? Did that baby mean less? definitely not.
But I haven't thought about it in a long time - maybe, Lord forgive me - because it wasn't Steves and it reminded me of an ex.

But now I'm reminded.
And now... I have lost two babies.
I will have two babies in Heaven, that I have never met. Is this true? Lord, will I meet them?? What age will they be? How will we know each other?

I use to mourn that lost baby. Long forgotten, now. I shoved it away when I got married. That is not right. I don't remember exactly, but I was due in February.
Maybe I should get two reminders of both my Heaven babies.
My poor forgotten child.

8 weeks

Because my symptoms have been so inconsistent and on-and-off, I'm really worried something's wrong and I'll lose this pregnancy. I don't have an appointment for another two weeks, eek! I've probably been hearing too many stories of missed miscarriages.

I never lost my lower belly pooch and extra ten pounds I gained last pregnancy, so it's hard to compare my "bump" with last times. I look now how I did probably around... 15 weeks last time. My stomach isn't hard, so I know it's not uterus/baby! Anyway, hopefully this little guy is growing well. My ring was already tight (wasn't before M) and now it's off completely - already.

Joy and Mom have been making me frozen meals - so sweet. And sad that I need them. If all goes well and at all like last time, I'll feel better in just four weeks. :)

I'm pretty much openly telling all my friends. I only have a handful, and I think of them all as close friends, plus I just can't keep a secret anymore!

Similar to with Marilyn again, workouts must be limited or I feel like DEATH later in the evening and the entire next day. Which I may anyway, but it definitely makes it soooo much worse! So TIU is good. Often I feel great after I get through the first ten minutes and it's hard to slow down or stop. Other times I feel so sick the entire time and I definitely move a lot slower.

Milk supply has DROPPED. :( But Marilyn so far seems to be getting enough... I'll talk to her doctor about it next week at her 9 month appointment. I have still been feeling engorged and sometimes leak in the mornings, so I wonder if it just feels different to me but she's actually still getting the same? So hard when it can't be measured. My nipples are so sensitive and I darn near cry now almost every time she nurses. I take it one session at a time - it helps she hasn't taken long to eat for a few months now (with exceptions of first and last feedings of the day.)

Pretty convinced little fetus is a BOY. Just because no-one in my family has had two girls in a row last couple generations at least - that I know of.. unless Grandma's sister was right before her, will have to ask.

My sweet tooth is pretty much gone and I want things like: sandwiches, salads, sirloin steak, spaghetti, chili, OJ, breakfast burritos or biscuit sandwiches. Snacking on saltines - I try to pair with light string cheese or laughing cow for extra protein and help it go further. I feel better when I add it, that's for sure. At least for a little bit. I feel best while eating, making it hard to not over-eat. Only a handful of times have I felt absolutely ravenous and eating enough for two grown men.