birth of Moriah Elise Mueller

What an amazing experience birthing at home. Oh my goodness, it was perfect. I hope I get to do it again! And my baby = PERFECT. She latched so well, within 20 minutes of being born, & has been eating away ever since :) She is pretty chill.

I have details below, but just in case you wanted a short version:
I had my baby at home, and she was born a little mer-baby in a birthing tub. I used hypnobirthing technique and listened to hypnobirth tracks on repeat to stay relaxed during contractions. My labor was 8 hours long (one hour longer than my first born two years ago) and I had one very small tear.
My midwife (God bless her) tried every natural way to try to get my placenta out, but the thing wouldn't budge so we went to the hospital. We let them know we were coming for a retained placenta and not long after we got there (only a five minute drive) I went back, OB tried to manually remove (OH MAN THAT PAIN. AGAIN,) but I ended up needing a D&C. I went home after resting a couple hours at the hospital, girls were doing great, and although tired I felt pretty darn good. I slept SO well in my own bed that night!

DEETS
The last month of my pregnancy my baby was head down and very low into my pelvis. She never felt in my lungs like Marilyn.
One week & one day before my due date I lost my mucus plug. I'm having more contractions, but nothing worth timing.
The following week, I began having a lot more pressure down there, more discomfort just walking, and this feeling near my pelvis like it was being split apart. I spend more time on the birth ball because it is the most comfortable place to be.
The next day, at 40 weeks exactly, along with above symptoms, I start having bloody show. My cervix feels like its opening.
Friday (40.1) my contractions increase in intensity and frequency, but are still irregular all day. We go out to dinner with friends and we joke about the full moon and I eat spicy Mexican food. We have a few errands to run, and in that 30 minutes of driving around, my contractions are increasing and I call my mom and my midwife, Dawn, to warn them I think this is it.
When we get home, we have sex (seriously thinking last time for at least a month!) Steve goes to bed, I draw a bath and time contractions. By 9pm they are averaging every 5 and a half minutes and about 70 seconds long. I let my midwife know- she asks if I want her to head my way and I tell her not yet.
There's no way I can sleep through these contractions and I'm annoyed I won't be getting another night's sleep before this is over. I try to get some things done around the house in between contractions.
I call my mom at 11:30 and tell her to head our way because she has a four hour drive - she suggests I call Dawn and so I do. She's already headed towards Woodward and is only 40 minutes away. I wake Steve and tell him all this, and he's glad Dawn didn't listen to me and wait to longer to come. Dawn's assistant, Brandy, is also on her way from OKC (a 2 1/2 hour drive.)
I'm laboring mostly on my birth ball as people arrive one by one- first Dawn, then the birth photographer, Brandy, and last my mom (who arrived about an hour before Moriah was born.) They compliment how great I look and how calm I am during contractions. Steve put on some hypnobirthing relaxation tracks on repeat on his computer in our bedroom and I'm focusing on relaxing my body (especially face, jaw, and shoulders) while also counting breaths: inhale-2-3-4 exhale-2-3-4-5-6-7-8. At no point in my labor did I feel like the pain was more than I could handle. I took surges one at a time and over all felt pretty fantastic.
My one and only cervical check during my entire pregnancy was done around 1230 or 0130.. hard to remember :) so after being in labor 4 or 5 hours, I was 7cm and about 70-80% effaced. I stayed in bed and labored on my side with pillows in between my knees after this check for around an hour. Even lying down (my least favorable position for contractions) the contractions we bearable, unlike during Marilyn's labor. I was starting to feel a lot more burning in my hips and I started thinking how AMAZING a warm bath would be, so I asked would be too early to get in the birth tub? Dawn said I was well into labor so not too early, Steve started to fill up the tub with warm water that he aired up a few hours earlier. It felt amazing! It was just the thing I needed to stay relaxed for the rest of my labor. Brandy reminded me as needed to relax my shoulders and it also helped me when she or Steve would run the tips of their fingers on my upper back during contractions. I soon started feeling like occasionally pushing during the peak of my contractions and I asked Dawn about this, she said I was nearing the end of transition. What! I was shocked. Transition was so hard for me before, I still am shocked it wasn't harder. I feel so dumb now for blowing off hypnobirthing before! Anyway, I did have a hard time getting comfortable while pushing and had to be reminded that baby must be born completely underwater or out of water because I kept raising out of the water during surges. Kneeling position was recommended, and that was perfect for birth. These last ten (give or take) contractions were the only ones I made any noise during. I could feel her coming down during them, then ease back up a little bit as surges eased off. I started sweating a lot- my body was working hard! Pushing the head out was the hardest part- which is dumb on my part, I wish I had relaxed more. I did not need to push, but I sure wanted to. The rest of her body slipped out easily during the next contraction and I picked her right up out of the water at 405 in the morning! :) She was bigger than I expected, and I was surprised by her chubby cheeks. So cute!! And another baby with dark hair, ha!
The third stage of labor was full of surprises.
We stayed in the tub for I think 30 minutes.. I wasn't having many contractions and the placenta hadn't come out so I got out to see if maybe sitting on the toilet would help. Steve held the baby while we tried to get the placenta to come out. There was nipple stimulation, pushing on my stomach, some oil on my feet to get contractions going again, and none of this did the trick. I'm not sure when I was given pitocin, either before or after my midwife tried to remove the placenta manually. I don't think I'll ever forget her face as she apologized for having to do that! That pain was intense, I cursed like a sailor. I felt something come out, that ended up just being a big clot and blood. Shoot, I was hoping that was it! I'm not sure how many time's she tried before saying we would just have to go to the hospital and probably have to have it surgically removed. This moment could have been very scary for me, but it honestly wasn't at all. My midwife stayed calm, so I stayed calm. Steve wanted me to nurse the baby before I went, but Dawn suggested, stronger this time, that we get going immediately and that the baby would be okay, she could always be brought to meet us later. I immediately left with Dawn. I asked her on the drive there if the OB would want to try to remove the placenta manually before doing surgery and she said yes... and I was dreading that. Steve had called the OB to give him a heads up and Dawn called the ER before we had left so hopefully that helped speed things up a little bit. We got back to the room, I apologized for calling him out of bed (I think I said sorry to pretty much everyone there and to my midwife for this happening.) He tried a couple times to remove the placenta (SO MUCH BLOOD) and he said he would try to get it out one more time but we would probably have to do a d&c (although he worded it different.. something about having me take something to help me relax, i don't know.) I asked if I could avoid the hand up the hoo-ha thing (no, I didn't actually say that) and could we just skip to the d&c part and he said yes. I had been losing a lot of blood during all this stuff at the hospital and I passed out I think twice on my way into surgery. I did not end up needing a blood transfusion (thank God!) and just stayed in the room recovering for a couple hours before heading home.
My cord site to the placenta was velamentous, and I had placenta accreta (the placenta was embedded into my uterus - it  HAD to be surgically removed.) I also learned that I have an odd shaped uterus, more specifically a bicornuate uterus. CRAZY.

After reading more about all this weird, random stuff I ended up having, I'm even more thankful (and surprised!) I've been able to have two children in the last two years.  I am so thankful to God for my rainbow girls.

So labor and the birth of the baby was pretty boring and uneventful and beautiful and perfect. And while not as planned, the trip to the hospital went smooth and I had great care there. I'm thankful for how everything turned out and God seemed to have His hand over us the whole time.

what hypnobirth looked like for me. this was what I typically looked like during contractions. totally different than my previous labor!

baby sounds good! :)

...waiting...

and more waiting..

so much easier than having a baby on my back!

LOVE

i looooooove me a fresh baby covered in vernix

praying over our princess

so in love!

40.1 - Full Term & waiting :) (again)

maternity photos at 32 weeks (I should have done one week before, this was right when my face started to bloat!)

Oops! I meant to keep up with this more, but I've been busy with miss Marilyn, taking care of things the best I can at home, or sleeping. :)
weight: I am up 35 pounds, five more than my "goal" at the beginning, but if weight comes off anything like it did after Marilyn, then I won't have much to work to lose. Of course I've lost a ton of muscle and getting back in shape is hard, but that is to be expected no matter what the scale says postpartum.
Rings are on. Belly button is OUT, and has been for maybe a month now.
I really felt awful pretty much this whole pregnancy. Around 38 weeks I honestly started feeling a lot different - generally better, no more stomach issues and feeling just hung-over constantly. I get little spurts of motivation and tiny bits of energy, spurred on maybe mostly by the thought of going into labor any day now and having a newborn. I still have occasional days were I can barely stay awake to watch Marilyn, much less do anything around the house.
Baby has been low for the last month. She just gets lower and lower. I have never felt this girl in my lungs or ribs. So different than my pregnancy in 2015!
Sleep: For a while I was really fighting to sleep on my left side only to keep baby turned the right direction (read: optimal position for labor/delivery) but I wanted to sleep on my right side so bad! I'd often end up on my back, too, and snore SO loud steve would push me back over to my left side, ha! But this past week or so I've been able to get more comfortable on my left side and don't end up switching in my sleep as much- definitely not on my back anymore. The past 24 hours I've let myself sleep on my right side, though, because she is SO low she hasn't moved from the left side. She would switch back and forth many times a day/night. Her booty is always on the left now! :)
(I am wondering if this baby will be smaller than Marilyn, who was born 8lb 6oz, because this one has been able to move so much more than Marilyn did. But i'm not sure if 2nd+ pregnancy has my uterus stretch out even more than before no matter the size of baby so there's more room? Not sure, but I'm so curious to meet this little one!)
Stretch Marks? Not that I can see. My stomach feels SO tight and itchy I'd be shocked if I didn't end up with any, I know some can show up weeks after delivery, so who knows!
Cravings: SUGAR SUGAR SUGAR. It is SO bad! I did not buy halloween candy to pass out because I knew I would just end up eating it too much! Pretzels and toothbrushes went out to our neighbors, lol. They may skip our house next year ;)

Signs of Labor? Lost my mucus plug last Wednesday, 38w6d. This recent Wednesday, 39w6d, I started feeling a TON of pelvic pressure, also pain in my pubis and feeling like it was separating (not actually sure if that happens, but it's the best way I can describe it.) Also pain deep in my vagina, the best way I can describe it is it feels like my cervix is opening. Possibly increase in some braxton hicks, but they went away with rest so nothing to call anyone about. Since yesterday morning I've had little bits of bloody show on and off. Lots of pulling and round ligament pain, so moving is slowwww and I rarely pick up Marilyn. She can climb into her highchair or table chairs on her own, get into her carseat on her own (I still buckle her or may give her a little hand) and change her diapers on the ground instead of putting her on the diaper changing table. I have put possibly too much hope into these "signs" accompanied with the full moon coming tonight AND that the average length of pregnancy for second plus babies is 40.3.... I was convinced yesterday I'm going to have the baby this weekend and anxiously did a lot around the house to "get ready". Today I feel like I might as well sit back and relax because, honestly, who knows.

Feels: I worry how Marilyn will feel about my having a baby on me pretty much all the time. I occasionally get nervous about dealing with labor pain, but knowing I'll have a pool/tub to relax in and a great support team makes me feel more at peace about it. As with Marilyn, I'm already worrying about germs and other people wanting to hold her too much, but motherhood the past two years has helped me develop thicker skin and I think I may have an easier time just saying no this round. I'm very excited to have my mothers help. I put so much pressure on myself to bounce back and just get use to taking care of a baby on my own because I knew eventually I would need to- and I did NOT give myself enough rest and time to heal after birth. I regret it so much! So this time I've made sure to accept help, even if I feel bad about it, when offered. And absolutely NO hosting. I need to stop feeling like I need to have the house clean and in order before people can come by. I always feel like I should be able to provide this but the first couple months postpartum, especially now with a toddler as well to care for, is just unrealistic for me. And stresses me out, makes me resentful and exhausted, and I really don't want to bleed for as long as I did last time because I literally did not let myself rest enough! I'm doing ME this time. I should have had enough respect and love for myself to do that two years ago. I KNEW and I was told I would regret too many visitors, but I wouldn't regret more alone time as a family - and that is true. Read: There is a BIG difference in visitors and help. Anyway.
I'm excited about the birth and I've envisioned it a million times. So excited to get to have another newborn!!!

30 Weeks

weight: 160lbs - up 18 pounds.
maternity clothes? Mostly! My regular shorts from last summer still fit (wow, I guess I didn't realize how big I was)
stretch marks? I don't think so, but I can't see under my belly button haha
cravings? SUGAR. It's so bad! really kicked in high gear along with a hefty appetite about two weeks ago.
rings on & belly button still in
symptoms: Here we go - :) TON of movement, which is good, but baby has grown SO much the past month it is already getting uncomfortable. My midwife could tell when I lied down for her to measure fundal height that baby had grown a lot since the last appointment only two weeks prior. Occasional round ligament pain. FATIGUE. I usually nap while Marilyn naps or at least lie down to rest. I sleep better alone, so occasionally I sleep in the guest room when I want to go to sleep especially early and am especially grumpy. I sleep lightly and get up often to use the restroom. normal discharge, same as my entire pregnancy with Marilyn... itchy stomach and feeling like my skin is going to rip apart in the evening. I snore now. Lots of gas. Definitely not the beautiful side of pregnancy, lol. It's hard to get comfortable sitting, so I often lean. I would LOVE to recline but I know that's not a good posture for keeping baby in the best birthing position so I try to avoid it. She's a good little babe and has been head down last two prenatal visits! :) <3  My skin has been pretty awful the entire pregnancy, I have some little red splotches on my face that have been there for months, and usually have bags under my eyes. I have mild, occasional heart burn now - still able to control with smaller portions, not drinking a lot of water with food, watching what I eat. When I finally hit third trimester the extreme stomach pain and indigestion let up a lot. I'm not sure if it was hormone related or baby's position? But I don't miss that at all! I wonder if that is why I want to eat so much more. I get overheated and start to feel sick easily, so unless I'm swimming I pretty much stay inside as much as possible. It's hard to shave my legs and especially bikini line. Occasionally my right hip may bother me, but repositioning myself or stretching helps quickly. Shortness of breath. Brittle nails. Congestion.
exercise: random. I will go the gym maybe once or twice a week, mostly to let Marilyn run around and play with other children for an hour while I walk on the treadmill. It's often too hot to walk outdoors when I've felt up to it. Occasional youtube workouts, specifically third trimester pilates, yoga, or strength workouts. I did lift arms at the gym on Tuesday and felt awful the rest of the day, so as much as I'd love to keep some sort of muscle, it's just not worth it right now. I forget to do squats daily. I have no routine and need one. Marilyn and I have swam a lot since we do have a pool, but I usually just chill with her and enjoy being in the water and sun more than I actually exercise and swim ha! I wish I was doing some sort of more regular "exercise" but I have just felt so bad this entire pregnancy and every day grow more tired.

Life & extra thoughts:
I am thankful for this baby. But I do not like being pregnant. I cannot wait to push this girl OUT OF ME.
Being tired all the time is mentally challenging for me. I cannot unpack like I want to, clean, play with Marilyn, cook healthier meals, etc.
Most days when I exercise enough to break a sweat, I actually regret it. I feel miserable the rest of the day, am absolutely worthless around the house, and have to lie down while playing with Marilyn. Mom fail. So it's a super low priority - which is hard, because I'm packing on pounds now quickly. I also worry I won't be as physically "ready" for labor as I was with Marilyn's labor and wonder how that will play a part in it all.
My dietary goals are centered around the Brewer diet - new this pregnancy. It's a high protein diet, pretty much. I like that it has me focussing on what TO eat instead of what NOT to eat. I find myself replacing what I crave with what I and baby need knowing I just don't have the room in my belly for both. lol ;) I did not bleed too much with Marilyn, but for whatever reason I'm a little more worried about it this time and want to do what I can to prevent it. Honestly, though, the amount of protein has me concerned I'll grow an even bigger baby. Completely selfish of me if baby is healthy, I know.
Steve keeps asking if I've named the baby yet. Nope. The same hour I think of a name I like the sound and feel of, I remember a reason I can't use the name- which is usually another person with that name. Ha.
Marilyn is showing more and more signs of being ready to potty train and also transition from crib to toddler bed. Because of safety, I'll do big girl bed first and see how long that takes first... Hunting for a bed sounds tiring. I think I'll nap now before M wakes up.<3

20 weeks!

 We found out gender at 16 weeks! Depending on how my day with Marilyn is going, I am excited or nervous about having another girl! Haha ;)

DEETS

I think my baby bump didn't start to really show until the last few weeks. Even then, it doubles in size by the end of the day after all my meals & water.
I stepped on the scale earlier this week and was up seven pounds from the previous week. Lots of eating out and stress from packing/moving. I hadn't gained anything up until that point. I've tried to make healthier choices since then and increase water (also to help with migraines) and the next day I was down a pound. Haven't weighed myself since - so I have no clue where I am at with that right now. I'll get my scale back in the next couple days (I always go off of first morning weight on the same scale.)
This pregnancy has been SO hard. I threw up for the first time due to morning sickness and that didn't stop until about 16 weeks or so. Once that stopped (I remain queasy, every day starting early evening) I started getting migraines daily. Some days I would get a headache that was not terrible instead. I figured it was due to hormones and pregnancy alone, but I think packing was really stressing me out. I just want to do more than I can and I hate not having energy. Family has helped a lot.
I think I remember more crying than "normal" when I was pregnant with Marilyn, but I it's been worse the past month or so with this pregnancy + feeling overwhelmed. 

FEELS

13 weeks pregnant.

feels:
I have been too scared to share publicly, fearing an immediate loss after the world knew.
But today marks the start of the second trimester and I've nothing but normal pregnancy symptoms and no reason, but my own fear, to think something may be wrong. The due date is November 2nd, and we've had two ultrasounds that looked normal. Heart rate measured in both around 165 so that's always a relief! However, the pregnancy I lost in September was 24 hours after a perfect US at ten weeks. So that's always in the back of my mind. I go through so many emotions. When we had our last appointment with my midwife, Marilyn was so sick and couldn't stop throwing up in the background of my having a vaginal ultrasound. It may have been one of those moments I never forget. A sort of beautiful chaos. I mean, poor thing was ill, but I feel so lucky to have her, and frankly thankful that until that day she'd never been sick like that! Sometimes the thought of a newborn and two-year old is overwhelming, I can't help but wonder how on Earth I'll keep up with Marilyn when I've been up all night feeding baby. And how she'll do with the big transition to sister :)



deets:
weight: same as the day I found out - 141.
maternity clothes? Nope. Wearing my size four jeans right now. They'll be tight as I bloat by the end of the day, though.
stretch marks? nope.
cravings: very similar to previous pregnancies - chili hotdogs with mustard (only caved on the hot dog once, and made sure it was kosher at least. stood strong against chili so far.) specifically BRAUMS ice-cream (caved once.) cajun beans & rice. sandwiches, especially PB&J when morning sickness was at it's worst - felt soooo good on the tummy :)
what makes me queasy/sick: not eating more than a couple hours. I have to eat very small meals pretty much constantly. My nausea has been the worst this pregnancy and I've thrown up many times - I have never thrown up with a pregnancy before (except labor haha.) It grows worse as the day goes on, and definitely peaks in the evenings at the same time I am painfully bloated. Right now I only get nauseas in the late afternoon into the evenings. Random, inconsistent things can set it off. Once it was opening a jar of peanut butter - but that only happened once - for example. So odd. Things that have helped with morning sickness: peppermint gum. ginger ginger ginger. I am getting so sick of it but it helps. lemon water. saltines - which I would normally never eat.
Showing? If you know to look! In evenings I for sure look pregnant because of the extreme bloat. Below is an AM vs PM picture to show you what I mean. It's crazy. And it hurts. :(

 Literally twelve hours. Ha!

I am so moody. my husband still seems surprised by this... it's so bad it makes me think we should limit children simply because pregnancy is so hard on our relationship. not to mention I feel so miserable the house falls apart. it's disgusting. we've had ants twice for the first times this pregnancy. i also fly off the handle and my anger is like unmanageable...
exercise: I've kept up with working out so well despite feeling miserable and exhausted. From nine to ten weeks I did only exercise a handful of times, though. I felt like I was dying. Google it. It's a popular feeling among women in the first trimester. lol Staying active on IG and wanting to "keep up appearances" really motivated me. Isn't that silly? I'll take it, though, because it worked! (Anyone else notice when someone you follow hasn't posted in over a month and you wonder if they're preggo? ha!) Following Tone it Up bikini series now. I will be investing in pelvic floor guidance from physical therapists and trainers that specialize in this as TIU currently doesn't delve into this aspect of women's whole health. I'll go more into this pelvic floor health journey of mine soon. Probably next post. I've learned so much and I cannot believe how relevant it is for all women, pregnant or not, vaginal delivery or cesarean, etc... and there I go... Like I said, I'll stop now and get into this in a separate post soon (mostly for my own sake of getting thoughts together and something to update as I grow on this journey.)

feeling empty.

4 weeks 4 days.
1 month and 20 days I need to keep this a secret.
52 days I cannot share I am pregnant. I have to hide my symptoms the best I can, hope no one asks or notices.
If I make it that far.

I did join a forum for other women who are due the same month I am ~ and it's nice to talk about it some way I guess. Just not with actual persons I know in real life. Just over the internet is it aloud.

I've been so sad ever since I got a positive test. I don't know why I took it. I was only one day past my expected period that hadn't come yet. I wish I hadn't taken it. Now I'm just in limbo even longer.
It is torturous.
Waiting to see if my body betrays me again... If I actually get to announce this pregnancy and not mourn in secret. Well, I ended up talking about it last time anyway. People who didn't know I was pregnant ended up knowing about my MC. I couldn't NOT talk about. It affected me so much.
I have felt more depressed than I have in months since Friday, when I took my first test.
This feels like such a heavy burden.

beta today was 742, progesterone 22. No call yet from my midwife but I have read these are okay numbers for how far I estimate I am.

Can my negativity and lack of believing it'll work out hurt my pregnancy? Can I affect my fate in that way? Or is it all up to the Lords will?